August 19, 2014: Confronting Fears

I've been having pain under my right nipple for several weeks now.  For a while, I just assumed it was due to hormonal changes leading up to my period, but then it continued through my period.  Okay, I excused that as well, but when it continued a full week after the end of my period (and was both stabbing and throbbing), I decided to consult Dr. Google (yes, I understand Dr. Google tends to awfulize).  According to Dr. Google, I probably had a very rare form of breast cancer with a life expectancy of 12-18 months.  Of course.

Now, I've been avoiding seeing my physician because I do not want to step on the scale.  I'm up more than I would like and I'm actively doing something about it, but I do not want to confront the reality.  You see, I've struggled with an eating disorder since I was 13 (largely bulimia with purging, but also restriction and compulsive exercise).  I liken eating disorders to an addiction in a way: you might be abstinent for years, but it is always there in the background just waiting for severe stress to retrigger it.

But, I was wise enough to know I probably should consult with my actual physician rather than just Dr. Google.  Especially since I probably only had 12-18 months to live.

And so I went.  I did decline stepping on the scale.  They could be annoyed with me (they weren't).  My physician was under the impression that it was likely a cyst due to the level of pain I was experiencing.  Okay, so that's good.  Either a cyst or a rare form of breast cancer.  Let's go cyst!